It all feels really different all of a sudden. The dynamics is totally off as I don´t feel like dominating B. anymore. I also don´t feel like talking to him on Skype. When he asked me what I wanted to do during his visit this month, I said that it was up to him. That is so unlike me as I always like to decide.
He noticed that I hardly share any news with him these days.
I made the hard decision not pursue the relationship with B. anymore. We should probably talk about our problems and try to fix them but it´s difficult as we are spending very little time together these days. In the past the slave used to work on various projects but since the beginning of this year he has been working for one company full time. That makes it impossible for him to come to Prague as often as he and I would like to and I´m getting bored, frustrated and demotivated in the meantime. He accepted the decision without much fuss. How very grown up of him. Deep inside he probably felt relieved that he would get the opportunity to look for an exclusive female led relationship, something he longs for but I am unable to provide.
It has not sunk in yet.
I met the ex slave a few times since January. The first time I signed a new legal contract in which I was giving him my half of the property back. The other times he brought me a few things from The Netherlands and I helped him order some furniture for his flat. We also had lunch on one occasion. I think it was then and there when I realized that although I still enjoy his company a lot and he can make me laugh so easily, I am not especially interested to be his friend. It´s weird and wrong but I still feel like I should lead and guide him. I guess old habits die hard.
When I tried to explain that perhaps we should not see each other again as I found it upsetting, the slave somehow reacted to it more strongly than to the actual break up. I can´t really get my head around it. Maybe he felt I was rejecting him not only as a slave but as a person too but that was not the case. I was just desperate for us to move on.
Although genuine sadness followed our break up, I do not regret the decision as it eventually resulted in some extremely positive developments in my life. A few months after we split, I adjusted my life priorities and made a major personal decision that helped me grow as a person and move forward. I also realized that although in theory everyone is replaceable, people don´t really need to be replaced at all. When someone considered special is gone, you just learn to appreciate others more. By “others” I mean people, who would otherwise unjustly end up as no. 2 at best as they would never be given the chance to live up to their full potential. You open your mind, the universe takes notice and rewards you in ways you never thought were possible.